‘I didn’t know I was lost’

Have you heard Acicii’s new song Wake Me Up? Before I tell you what the lyrics mean to me, check out a portion of them:

 

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes
Well that’s fine by me

So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost

 

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don’t have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

 

So wake me up when it’s all over

When I’m wiser and I’m older

All this time I was finding myself and I

I didn’t know I was lost

 

I see all of these spiritual components, and I have to tell you, this one speaks to me in such a timely way. 

In case some of you missed my subtle facebook announcement, I recently (as in this week) decided to change my major from journalism to English. And since there’s a special 2-for-1 deal going on in the change department right now, my switch in majors also comes with a swap in career goals too. I’m going from budding journalist to hopeful English professor. 

My personality makes me a planner. I started planning my college career in elementary school. As y’all know, most kindergarteners have no idea how to tie their shoes, much less possess a deep knowledge about who they are and will become. Needless to say, career plans change, and when that happens in my life, it’s almost like a mini-crisis. So basically, I’m going through a time of mental turmoil.

Now let me explain something else about myself.

The same personality that makes me a planner also allows me to work best on individual tasks. I often find myself trying “to carry the weight of the world,” but I can’t. Two hands can’t hold an entire world, and that’s all God gave me. Two.

And sometimes it really ticks me off.

I want to be independent, but I’m supposed to be dependent on God. I have to remind myself of this same idea over and over, and somehow I always end up forgetting it again. 

Lately, I’ve been stressed out and irritable. Why? Because I’ve been driving myself insane trying to handle things I’m not made to handle alone.

During the past couple of weeks especially, I’ve done a lot of critical thinking about the possibility of making those changes. What I haven’t done is pray about it. I’ve been searching all over the place trying to find myself in true cliched fashion and trying to fit the world (of possibilities, of worries, of anxiety) in my two little hands. All the while, God is standing in the door of Heaven waving a giant neon TALK TO ME sign.

So here I am attempting to carry on independently (in this department, at least) and failing miserably. I kept wondering, “Why do I keep changing my mind? Why can’t I find myself? Am I ever going to figure this stuff out?”

When I realized I hadn’t prayed about it, I stopped dead in my tracks. My frustration began to make sense, and I called on God to guide me in the direction he planned for me to go in life.

You see, I was really lost. And stubborn. And wrong.

I mean who, whether accidentally or purposely, ignores signs from God? Bad idea. BAD IDEA.

I wasted all this time and energy doing something He was ready to do for me. And next time, I’m going to try (and probably fail miserably) at being a willing backseat passenger in God’s car.

And it took a popular radio song to teach me that.

 

 

 

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